Dad's Email December 2006

This month’s email is a paraphrased excerpt from Dan Allender’s book:  How Children Raise Their Parents.  Dr. Allender’s book focus on core questions our children are asking about life from the time they are little ones.  I have certainly seen my children ask these questions:  “Am I loved?” and “Can I get my own way?” in thousands of different ways. 

Quadrant 3: The Rule-Bound and Dull Response Home

Parents who answer no and no—“You cannot get your way” and “You are not our delight and joy”—often establish a conservative home characterized by stringent rules, clear consequences, and high demands on the children.  At the same time, this home often lacks warmth, humility, laughter, and tears.  The children perform well, obey the rules, and succeed through hard work and perseverance.  What they lack is passion, whimsy, playfulness, and vision.

It is a home where the parents see clearly the evils in the world, but they do not see how they are crushing their kids with their own perceived perfection.  The children in this home accuse their parents of being self-righteous and dull.  The parents lack joy and are only too willing to suffer the discomfort of enforcing the rules.  The children’s accusations are made through silence and emotional distance. 

Can I get my own way?  “No, because this family has clear rules and clear consequences and I am not afraid to bring those to bear upon you. There are standards you will obey.”

Am I loved?  “Of course you are loved, how dare you ask.  Do you not see what we have done for you, how we have sacrificed for you?”  At best it is dutiful love. You are loved by what I show you in terms of how I sacrifice for you.

The authoritative home operates on fear and shame. The “fear” is what will be taken from you. The “shame” is the issue of exposure.  It is a “how dare you not appreciate your parents by the way you are acting.” Shame, shame…that says we are such great parents and you are such a loser.  It is an angry home with lots of yelling over violations.   If not literally a screaming home then it is a quiet screaming home. “You are going to pay big time for what you have done.”

This kind of home tends to develop an incredibly manipulative child. They know how to work the system. They are very good at home and know how not to be too bad outside of the home.

This home creates “good Christian kids” who end up being “good Christian adults” who are more often than not soul-less, passionless, and live a life of incredible guilt.

The kids say, “If this is what it means to be a Christian then shoot me. I am not going to be like you. You are not that nice.” 

This is the average conservative home where the lines are drawn clearly and conversations are not full of wonder and listening to the kids but lecturing, with mini-sermons.  It is a demanding and dominating home. Many Christians approach parenting from Mount Sinai because God is holy and the parents see God frowning on those in culture who break the moral code, and therefore “no kid of mine is going to behave poorly.” 

“As one of my psychotherapy mentors once told me, ‘Don’t expect a family to abandon a child-rearing strategy that isn’t working.  Expect them to do it louder and stronger…  …I find myself guilty of this at times, and I have seen it in my casework with families.  When I try to get my children to clean up their rooms, I nag, and then nag some more.  After a while, the nagging becomes laced with vitriol.  The rooms are still a mess.  That’s when I realize that I’ve fallen into the trap of “louder and stronger.’  Too often when we get frustrated we ‘go to the whip.’  We apply pressure, pump up the volume, and increase the severity of our discipline.”  (Dan Kindlon, Too Much of a Good Thing)

We are so principle driven that we become convinced that louder and stronger is what our kids need.  Because we think our kids are the ones who need to change, to clean up their act, and to get with the program.  Denying all along that God has every intention of using our children to change us. 

This type of home denies the Gospel itself.  The parents believe they can raise good moral kids because they themselves are good, moral people who have “the answer.”  It denies the Gospel because the parents are blind to their hard heart.  Almost to the extent that my children see me humbling myself under the authority of the Gospel, which declares me a sinner rescued by grace, will they in turn see their need for correction and most importantly their need for a Savior.

Sincerely,

Adam Jones