Dad's Email January 2007

This month’s email is a paraphrased excerpt from Dan Allender’s book:  How Children Raise Their Parents.  Dr. Allender’s book focus on core questions our children are asking about life from the time they are little ones.  I have certainly seen my children ask these questions:  “Am I loved?” and “Can I get my own way?” in thousands of different ways. 

Quadrant 4: Home of Strength and Delight

Can I get what I want?  No.  Am I loved?  Yes.

We are working towards Quadrant 4.  You must give up your life.  You who are angry must become tender.  You who are guilty must become bold.  You must learn to die to yourself.  The indulgent must come strong.  The strong must become tender.

What does it mean to answer both questions well?  The two questions your children must have answers to: Do you love me?  Can I get my own way?

The gospel is not that life is fair.  Life is most definitely NOT fair.  But, we must weep for those unfair times in our own lives and in our children lives.

Am I loved?  Yes, I delight in you, not in what you do but in who you are. Can you get your own way?  No.  We must answer both well and simultaneously when they are 1-day-old and 55-years old.  You and I cannot do so.  We will never answer both questions well.  We will never answer them simultaneously.  So, where does that leave us?  Parenting is not difficult, it is impossible.

The bottom line is, there is no way around the fall, the curse. There is no way out of your body of sin.  There’s no way you can parent easily or with excellence.  In order for our hearts as parents to be reached and for us to reach the hearts of our children, we must collapse at the cross.  Then we must continually return there for mercy and strength until Christ returns.  

The first thing you must grasp is this: You will never be a good parent!  The only good parent is a parent who knows they need Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection, and the forgiveness of God everyday. You can admit what you’ve always feared: you stink, and your stench is even worse than you ever feared.  The cross only becomes dearer to the degree that our sin becomes clearer. 

The Questions Are Invitations

As our children ask the core questions, they are wondering about two additional matters: “What is wrong with my family?” and “How can I fix things?”  All children unknowingly try to fix their mother and father and change the fabric of family life.  If we were really listening, we’d hear the child’s unspoken words as the attempt to provoke change.  Our children invite us to grow, to become fully human.  The invitation comes by way of unvoiced questions: “Will you cry with me?  Will you hold me?  Will you be strong enough to face your own failure and grow as my parent?”  Every child, by asking the two core questions, is offering an astounding invitation: “Will you love me and be strong?  Will you provide a world where for a few, brief years I can experiment with passion and play and know that I can fail without losing your delight and joy?”

Sincerely,

Adam Jones