Dad's Email Network - Encouraging men in their role as husband and father.

September 2007

“The teacher does not see how gifted our daughter really is!”

“Oh, that coach, he did not give our son nearly the playing time he deserves!”

In the raising of our children we will face the difficulty of injustice in our kids lives.   People who do our kids wrong on any level tend to be on our “bad list” not for a few days, but for years.  We see an old coach from little league at Publix who did not let our son pitch in the big game—we smile and wave, but underneath we seethe with a low-burning anger.  We let a comment fly in the direction of our spouse about the old wound. 

Who are the people in your life who have gotten in the way of your child’s success? 

I bring this up, because every parent will struggle here and it is a struggle for me.  

Last summer, my son, Sam had his hand broken in a basketball game because the assistant coach’s son maliciously wrenched it.  We were all shocked when Sam could not dribble and had to come out of the game.  He had not fallen and there was nothing on the court of play that could have caused it.  When he told me after the game what had happened I could not believe it.  Two days later he was in a cast and out for the season. The next week the player and the parents denied even the possibility of it happening. They thought it absurd that I would think one of their players would do such a thing.  I was so mad.  We saw the kid and the coach months later in another league and the coach even dared to ask me to borrow a ball for his team to warm up!  I gave him the ball, but I steamed to myself, we would beat them.  My revenge would be served on the court of justice.  We lost. 

My wife recently quoted me, “You always say that when our kids suffer and experience difficulty that it is sometimes as much about us as parents as it is about them.”  I hate when she quotes me, particularly when I agree with myself.

When kids experience setbacks, God often uses it in the lives of the parents to show us how we are finding life in our child’s success.  We love it when we can pin the blame on a teacher or coach because then we can feel vindicated.  When success for our kids is a good thing and it is blocked we will be discouraged, but not devastated.  We will be able to forgive the ones who have wronged our children.  However, if success for our kids is where we get life then we will not find forgiveness easy at all.  In fact, we will go from anger to anger and the only thing changing will be who gets our wrath.  Then we will know our child’s success has reached idol proportions in our heart. 

When we will not repent and forgive those who have hurt our kids, then we are refusing to see God’s hand.  The more we harden our heart, the more we block the way for our children to see their need for Christ.  Think of the beauty of your spouse or your children seeing you wrestle with not wanting to forgive and then confessing it and moving towards that person graciously.  “Dad, I thought he was our enemy because he did not play me?”  “Yeah, son he was and I have struggled to forgive him for that.  I have come to realize how childish I have been and how much I have been forgiven in Christ.  So, I do not want him to experience my coolness anymore, but instead the same thing I get from God in Christ—a warm welcome.”

Forgiveness is hard.  One author says it is not only hard but that biblical forgiveness is impossible.  It is impossible.   We are nice to people because it benefits us, but we do not forgive them.  We will not have the power to forgive others who have wronged our children until we are overwhelmed to worship by the grace we have received. 

Am I a forgiving person?  No, I am a payback person and so are you!  I am a person who struggles to forgive all the time but then I am smacked with the gospel again.  When I am overwhelmed by the mercy of God, I begin to slowly limp in the direction of forgiving others. 

 We need God to use others to bring setbacks into the lives of our kids even if it is done maliciously.  The fact is we don’t have the courage or the ability to do it to our kids, because we are so bent on them succeeding at everything.  It is a gift of God when your child experiences the little injustices of life, because in them they might begin to find life in Jesus.  The even bigger miracle is when the parents become humble enough not to get mad at the teacher, but to give thanks to God for His disruptive grace. 

Am I ready for the next time injustice comes to my children?  No, I really don’t like it.  But when it comes, I hope my heart will cling to the grace I’ve found. 

“He who cannot forgive another breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.”         George Herbert

Reflection:

Think about the resentment you have towards a teacher, a coach, or your child’s peers, and how strange it is that you hold on to it long after the event has past. 

What is it going to look like for you to repent and move towards that person with grace? (Confess it to God, confess it to your spouse, or talk to your children about the struggle to forgive others…)