March 2008
Dad's Email Network - Encouraging men in their role as husband and father.
At some point in your marriage your wife has or will say to you, “Do you love me?” And if you want to go on living you will say, “of course I love you.” And then she might say, “why do you love me?” Our answer might be something like, “because you are so good looking and you are a size six!” Suppose she prods more and says, “What if I can’t get back into a size six after the children?” You respond, “Well it’s because you have beautiful skin and sparkling eyes.” She says, “Have you ever heard of aging?” “Well, I love you because you like outdoor stuff and things we do together.” She says, “What if I have health problems that keep me indoors?” “Well, honey, your humor and wit will never age. She says, “What if I have a stroke?” “Well, you are so honest, loyal and kind.” She says, “What if I have a moral lapse?” Then you scream, “I give up! Why do I love you?”
The problem with every one of the answers given is you are not “loving her” for her. You are “loving her” for some product that benefits you. Marriages based solely on this kind of love are heading for trouble. Loving your spouse because you are getting a product is self-serving…. The deepest need of your spouse is to know that you love them because you love them.
When I first met my wife there were many things about her that attracted me to her: her beauty, her wit, her love for fun things, her love for the needy of the world, and the list goes on. These were the occasions, causes, or sparks for my love. They, however, must not be the foundation of my love for her. Over time these occasions should mature in direction of love without condition. For intimacy and love to grow I have to move towards “I love you despite all your strengths and your weaknesses. I love you with your weaknesses, flaws, and failures. I love you just because I love you.”
The problem is that there is no source for that kind of love in this world. No one can love like that because everyone is so needy. Only God’s love is pure enough, beautiful enough, and strong enough to love without condition and in spite of our poor condition.
Read what is said in Deuteronomy:
The LORD did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the LORD loved you and kept the oath he swore to your forefathers that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. (Deut. 7:7-8)
He loved us because He loved us because He loved us because He loved us. He says “I don’t love you because you are a size six or because you are talented or smart. I don’t love you because you were the biggest or best group of people I ever met. I love you because I love you.” This is the most fundamental need of every human heart. It is the very foundation of the hope for which you got into marriage to begin with––to be loved as you are without condition to your good or bad attributes. We all got married because we believed we found just this very kind of love. Then over time we become realistic or jaded that love is not what it is cracked up to be. I am not talking about “the honeymoon is over” mentality. I am talking about the disappointment we all feel about our marriage at times. For some of us, it can feel like it is all the time. The truth is our sadness is not because we don’t have the unconditional love we crave.
Our disappointment most often is because our conditions are not being met like we think they should be. We mistakenly believe it is just the sad state of marriage in a broken world. No, most often is it really just our own selfish demands that are making us pout. Anytime our heart complains “I wish she would…” we have left the zip code of sacrificial love and stepped into the little post office box of self-serving conditions.
Now, I must be clear on something––all human love is somewhat conditional. We love because we get something. We cannot completely separate our hearts from being conditional in our love because we are so needy. Yet, the idolatry of conditional love has to be challenged because at the core, it is self-love. The expectation of “I love you because of what you do for me” will slowly begin to crush your spouse by enslaving them to your spoken and unspoken demands. Every spouse for a time will try to keep up with the other’s expectations from their own hunger to be loved. “If I do this or that then she will love me more or nag me less.” But as time passes weariness will set in and the erosion of each spouse’s demanding self-love will create distance in the marriage.
Our souls are made to flourish and to be satisfied by Christ delighting in us. So, no one can bear the burden of a heart made for Christ. Early in our marriage we mistakenly believe our spouse can give us this kind of love. The older we get we still don’t give up our quest to have our spouse (or children) fill us in ways only Christ can. Our thirst to be loved is greater than our spouse’s capacity to fill it. Our needy hearts can be demanding to the point where we are always mad at our spouse because they are not coming through for us. So, our spouse can bounce back and forth in our minds from hero to villain. Our spouse becomes a target of our hostility because they cannot keep up with the demands we put on them. When life presses on us because of hardship we can demand our spouse be our savior even though we know they have no power to rescue us from the circumstances of life. We hate being out of control and our needs not being met on time so we take our hostility to the nearest person, our spouse and vent.
When we are self-absorbed and focused on our demands then there is an unspoken edge about our interaction. We give them little vapors of coolness and icy distance. We do this just enough to provoke curiosity but not enough to reveal our selfish reasons. We will justify indulging ourselves by some other means believing we deserve it because we have been shorted in our marriage (porn, buying more hobby gear, work, or more punishment/withdrawing from them).
When we turn inward and focus on our needs we forget the hurts, wounds, needs, and circumstances of our spouse. For example, couples with kids always have the same dynamic going on at the end of each day. Husband pulls in the drive with his mind saying, “I have worked hard all day, and I deserve a break.” Wife just got home two minutes prior, thinking, “I have worked hard all day and I have to get the homework done and bathe the kids.” Each of them has worked hard but they relate to each other based on the assumption that their day was harder and that they know for sure the other does not have a clue how hard it is to be them and do their job! I pull this one all the time. I forget how hard my wife works every day with three children, one with special needs, and a part-time job. When she is tired and goes to bed early my heart says, “Oh, there she goes ignoring me again…” when in reality I am blind to the fact she has been spent the whole day serving others!
So is it ok to love your spouse because they are smart, attractive, fun, or a benefit to us in some way? Yes, of course it is because these are gifts from God to the marriage. The danger is when they become the condition for love and the platform for ingratitude.
Loving your spouse just because you love them (though flawed in your attempts) actually will increase their inward and outward beauty because they will taste gospel freedom from you.
Now, where do we get the power to love our spouse this way? How do we get our hearts at least steered in the direction of “I love you just because I love you?”
Christ made a covenant with God to come to earth and make us His bride and we crucified Him. We can think our spouse is killing us, well Christ’s spouse really did. Christ got into the worst marriage, the marriage from hell, the marriage that sent Him to hell––His marriage with us!
Most of us see and understand Jesus dying for our sins. But we need to see Him staying with us when we fail Him daily? Do you see Him being faithful to you and giving you His ultimate spousal love?
Does that move you? If you let it get into your heart that you are the worst kind of spouse and Christ faithfully moves towards you with cherishing love it is really your only hope.
You have to look at your spouse and say you sinned against me, but I sinned against Christ and He loved me and covered me any way. He loves me just because He loves me. He has chosen to do so and has given His blood to seal His love with us.
“Marriage is the soil for growing glory. We must see our spouses in light of what they are meant to become, without becoming bitter or complacent about who they are. Marriage requires radical commitment to love our spouses as they are, while longing for them to become what they are not yet. Every marriage moves either towards enhancing one another’s glory or toward degrading each other.”
Dan Allender Intimate Allies
Application:
What reasons for your love do you need to repent of--because they are self-love?
Why is it so good for a marriage to have the shaky reasons for love challenged?
What occasion or demands might you be hanging onto or elevating presently in your marriage?