April 2008
Dad's Email Network - Encouraging men in their role as husband and father.
For the months of April, May, and June, I (Adam Jones) am going to be giving you ideas for summer application.
April: “What’s Your Beef?”
May: A “Father to Son” letter by Ray Cortese when his oldest was entering manhood.
June: 3:10 to Yuma movie review – watch the movie with your son(s) and discuss.
The first you will be able to do regardless of age or gender; the last two are focused on boys.
Grace-Based Parenting (Dr. Tim Kimmel, Pages 206-208)
“What’s Your Beef?”
“My wife and I have met many people in our work who say something like, “My parents never once admitted that they did anything wrong.” Often, these have been people who grew up in patently Christian families. Darcy and I made it a commitment to make sure that years from now, should anyone inquire of our children as to whether we ever admitted our mistakes to them, they’d say, “Sure. Lots of times. In fact, all the time.”
We wanted to not only make sure that we took responsibility for what we did wrong, but we wanted to also give them an outlet to bring to our attention things we might have missed. We didn’t want the root of bitterness to find its way into the soil of our children’s souls. We had already seen enough of that in our extended families. Please note that we did not do this because we were such wise and clever parents. Hardly, we did this because we were desperate. We had seen how much damage bitterness could do by working with so many angry families over the years. That’s why we instituted “What’s Your Beef?” nights.
While our children were still quite young, we came up with this vehicle to give them a safe way to air their disappointments. It was actually fairly simple. Periodically, we’d declare that tomorrow night would be a “What’s Your Beef?” occasion. That meant, first of all, that each child could order whatever he or she wanted off the Kimmel menu. If one wanted Chinese, another Mexican, another Italian, and the other ribs, it was no problem. I just made the rounds of the nearby fast food joints. The second part of the event provided them an opportunity to tell us anything that either Darcy or I had said or done that had hurt them. The qualification was that they couldn’t bring up positions we had to take because of our moral standards (which they might have disagreed with) or consequences that we might have had to bring their way because of things they had done wrong. But they could address the way we handled taking our stand or bringing consequences down on them. It might have been harsh words or something we said that embarrassed them in front of their friends, or it could have been something we didn’t do that they felt we should have done.
They would take turns to speak their minds. The key rule for Darcy and me when they shared these things from their hearts was that we were not permitted to defend ourselves. No matter what the issue, no matter how much insight we could employ to defend our position or our actions, we were not permitted to say a word in our defense. That was the promise we made, and the promise we kept.
Why did we choose not to defend ourselves? In any given crisis, there are the facts of the conflict and the feelings of the conflict. Depending on which way the parties look at the conflict, both are convinced that they are right, and both are convinced that the other person is wrong. If my daughter or son was looking at a particular situation from the perspective of his or her feelings, I might have been able to justify my words or actions from my perspective of the facts, but it would have only done harm. The point was, we had hurt them somehow, regardless of the facts. This is how we handled the final part of the process. No matter what they said, and regardless of what we felt about the way they were viewing our actions, we asked for forgiveness. It was that simple. On occasion, we begged their pardon and forgiveness. It was often painful to hear how we had hurt them, and sometimes we had to fight the urge to clarify things. But we weren’t doing it for our benefit; we were doing it for theirs.
An interesting phenomenon evolved from this group event, which started when our four children were young and small. Growing up, they assumed that they had the freedom to take advantage of this same opportunity anytime they wanted. That was fine with Darcy and me. Several times I have had one of my children pull me aside and say something like, “Dad, can I have a private ‘What’s Your Beef?’ discussion with you?” I’ve treasured these as some of the most powerful opportunities to practice the grace of God.”
Application
This is too simple NOT to do with your kids.Make it a goal to try this summer (or sooner) and end your first attempt with scheduling the next one!
I know this is going to be hard for me to “keep the rules” and not defend myself, so I am going to tell my kids upfront the rules so they can hold me accountable.