Dad's Email June 2008

Dad's Email Network - Encouraging men in their role as husband and father.

Twenty years old—wow—as your sisters would say—how the heck did that happen? It’s hard to believe that it’s already been two decades since your mom woke me up on June 18, 1982 to announce that she wasn’t going to work that day, she was going into labor! And labor she did for almost 24 hours. I’ve never forgotten that in the not so distant past, you wouldn’t have survived this difficult birth and I would have lost you and your mom. The whole trajectory of my life would have been radically altered—there would be no Kristen, no Amy or Tucker, maybe no SRPC. But God was there and so was Dr. Beverly McMillan, a woman who had opened the first abortion clinic in the state of Mississippi. Now, however, transformed by God, she was using her hands to give babies life. I’ll never forget as they wheeled your mom to emergency surgery, I grabbed Dr. McMillan and asked, “Is everything going to be alright?” She looked at me, and without blinking quoted Psalm 139, “The Lord knows the days that are ordained for your child when as yet there is not one of them. They are already written in His book.” With that she turned and led me into watch the surgery. I wept when you were born. It’s not a slight to your siblings, but it was the happiest day of my life. My lifelong ambition was fulfilled, for more than any desired career, the one thing I aspired to be was a “Dad.”

Who wouldn’t want to be the mentor in a son’s life? Is there a higher calling?

While it was sobering to be the one appointed to sit on the end of the log as your teacher, I know I’ve passed on to you my hard earned wisdom of how to style your hair, how to always be right when arguing with a woman, how to invest in tech stocks at the height of their inflated value, how to plan a vacation crammed with historical sight seeing, but devoid of any fun and how to compete at Monopoly in such a way that no one enjoys playing with you.

But now, a new stage of your life is dawning. In looking back, you are a trophy to the grace of God. You survived childhood with a Father who was too often driven and distant. You traversed teenagedom with a dad clueless about how to connect. You bore the burden of having dad as the preacher and having to go to school daily at your old man’s workplace. So where is the anger, meltdown and rebellion—you’re doing so well in life, school, relationships, work and church. How did that happen? Could it be there was another Father at work? The man I longed for you to be, you have become because God deigned to be your Teacher.

So what would I long for you for the next leg of your journey? The same lesson Paul wanted to teach in I Cor. 16:13—“Acquit yourself like a man—be strong, let all that you do be done in love.” There are a cacophony of voices in our culture that wish to neuter males and squash masculinity. Those same voices will later be heard to lament the absence of real men. Francis Schaeffer said, “The dilemma of modern man is simple, he doesn’t know why his life has any meaning.” Tony—what I want for you more than anything on the cusp of adulthood is to know the security of God the Father as your strength and the graciousness of God the Father as your heart. That you might acquit yourself as a man—it is your calling, a man strong and tender. For instruction on that consider Ruth and Boaz.

Tony, I want you to find in the Father’s strength your security. You have a Father who loves you, won’t be put off by your sin and ugliness—and will use all of life events, especially the hard stuff, to mold you as His child. Look at Naomi, she has returned to Bethlehem—poor, widowed, without sons, food or a future. Her Moabite daughter-in-law, Ruth, seeks the field of someone kind enough to allow her to glean. When 2:3 says that Ruth “happened” into the field of Boaz—who was not only rich and influential, but a relative of Naomi’s, we know this was no mistake. What looks like purely happenstance is, in fact, the hand of a sovereign God ordering the affairs of his loved ones. God was caring not only for Ruth and Naomi—but arranging a future marriage from which would come one of the forebears of Jesus. God was at work even though Ruth and Naomi had no clue. Tony, if there is anything that will serve you in good stead for adulthood, it is the sure conviction that God is not only Ruler and Lord, but He is always at work for your good. Let this be your strength and security.

When you were 13 and went to basketball camp in Gainesville and had the worst team, the worst coach, no roommate, and never even won a game—God was there and He had a purpose in it. It wasn’t the worst disappointment you’d ever been through in Gainesville? When doctors operated to remove a tumor from your spine six years before that at Shand’s Hospital and the surgery didn’t work—God knew what He was doing then, too. When you mashed that same spine on the trampoline this Christmas and thought for the briefest moment you’d lost the use of your limbs—God was at work. God won’t let your life be a cakewalk because He doesn’t want you soft—He needs you fierce and tough. He needs men as Ruth 2:12 says: “Ruth sought refuge under the wings of God.” Son, I can’t think of a more fervent wish that I might have for you than that you would seek shelter there, too. Psalm 91 says, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.” This was the life verse of Jim Elliott who gave up his life in an Ecuadorian jungle killed by the very tribe he went to love as a missionary. The Jim Elliott who said, “He is no fool to give up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” Son, may the security of God’s watchful care and his unfailing grip on you (you will fail him, but He will never leave you) not only sustain you through the darkest nights of your life, but set you free to serve Jesus boldly and without fear. I’ve lived my life with so much fear; may you be stronger, but not with a strength that is your own, but strong because your Heavenly Father is a warrior. And may you be at rest because your mighty Father is always at work for you.

Tony, to acquit yourself as a man, you must not only be strong like your Father, but have the graciousness of His heart as well. In Ruth 2—we see this exemplified in the life of Boaz. You must have a heart blown away by grace—like Jean Valjean’s in Les Miserable—you remember him as the starving ex-convict who in desperation steals golden candlesticks from a rectory where he has been fed and cared for. When the gendarmes capture and return him to the priest to confess his thievery, the priest exclaims to the police, “No, I gave him those candlesticks and I’m so glad you brought him back because he forgot the goblets I gave him as well.” This singular act of unmerited favor changed not only Valjean’s life, but his heart. Tony, the world needs men who have learned the heart of their Father.

It’s a heart that doesn’t overlook the needy: In ancient Israel, God told his people (in Leviticus 19:9-10): “When you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not reap to the very corners of your field, nor shall you gather the fallen fruit of your vineyard; you shall leave them for the needy and for the stranger. I am the Lord your God.” God cared about the fatherless, the widow, and the poor and so when they harvested the produce, they left the edges of the fields for the needy. Many farmers wouldn’t do this—they had ways of making gleaning in their fields burdensome, but Boaz knows that his fields and the fruit of them are the Lord’s and God wants some of the produce to go to the poor. Tony, no Christian should scorn the poor for all of us are dependent, I’ve yet to meet anyone who has provided for himself. Everybody I know receives welfare, all our provision is from God. Your generation is the greatest in this regard: they hate big talkers, if a church isn’t doing deed ministry—serving the poor—you won’t go, no matter how good the rest of the program is.

Your mom and your grandma have been good models of caring for needy people. Mom’s heart is huge and grandma has been blessed with a lot of comforts in life, but has volunteered at the Thrift Shop for migrant workers for years. When I was just 17, I lived with a pastor and his family in the poorest part of North America, the coal mining areas of West Virginia. Less than one-half of the population of Webster County had indoor plumbing. Impoverished people came to the pastor’s door for food regularly. Once a family, living in a car after their trailer burned down, came by and the pastor’s wife gave them one of their children’s bedroom furniture. This family didn’t give their surplus or their garage sale items, they gave what they were still using. Tony, acquit yourself as a man by being strong for those who have no strength. Perhaps even God will use your generation to accomplish what mine has not—the restoration of legal protection to the weakest among us—the unborn.

Tony, if your heart is to be like your Father’s it will be full of wisdom. Throughout Ruth 2, Boaz is portrayed as one who is wise. He is prosperous for his wise management—he couldn’t have been generous and benevolent if he hadn’t been prosperous. Boaz is also wise with his counsel to Ruth. I commend to you son, the value of wisdom, the value of being a good thinker. Proverbs 24 says, “My son, eat honey, for it is good, the honey from the comb is sweet; Know that wisdom is thus for your soul; If you find it, then there will be a future.” In our world, being ignorant is cool. To sprinkle one’s speech with “like dude, like it was an awesome thing, dude” is to betray that fact, man, I like, am totally ignorant dude and have no ability to form a coherent sentence.” To acquit yourself as a man, you must be about learning, books, theology and intellectual discussion. Working out in the gym is great, but girding up the loins of your mind is even more useful. What our world most lacks is wisdom and discernment. Jesus said: “the truth shall set you free.” Our world is shackled by untruth son, but you are unusually bright (in fact, a lot smarter than I am) and God wants to make you a source of wise counsel for those who need to be pointed in the way of life. It was said of Jesus that He grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men. That’s my prayer for you Tony, in the college years and beyond.

Tony, your Father has made you to have a heart that is committed to serving and protecting women. Ruth 2 tells us that Boaz inquires about the girl laboring in his fields and his foreman praises her for her modesty and diligent labor. Boaz immediately takes her under his watchful care and commands that she be treated with respect and that her needs be tended to.

While it is a disappearing virtue in our culture, God’s sons are to treat women with respect and honor. You know—opening doors, speaking gently, ladies first, etc. I read of an Air Force commander who was relieved of his duty because he could not in good conscience send a woman pilot into harm’s way. I say, “God bless him”, and I know God will. I am responsible to protect your mom and your sisters. I can promise you that no boy will consistently date your sisters without my involvement. I remember being at a basketball game and planning to go home at half time when I noticed one of your sisters sitting awfully cozy with a guy I didn’t know. Well, let’s just say I stayed for the 2nd half—but it wasn’t the game I was watching. Too protective? Perhaps but they are too precious not to protect and I want any boy to know that if he tampers with your sisters, it would be better for him if a millstone were tied around his neck and he were cast into the depth of King’s Bay. In the chronicles of my life, some of my greatest sins have been times when I failed to honor your mom. Unfortunately, you were usually around to observe them. There is no failure any worse than to not honor the women God gives us. Protecting the girls and mom is my job, but if I’m not around, it’s yours!

Acquit yourself like a man. That’s what T. Roosevelt was trying to train his Sunday school boys to do when one of his charges arrived in class with a black eye. He admitted he’d been fighting and on Sunday, too. He told the future president that a bigger boy had been pinching his sister and so he fought him. Roosevelt commended the boy and gave him a dollar and T. Roosevelt was dismissed as a Sunday school teacher. Acquit yourself like a man: like Andrew Jackson who challenged the man who questioned his wife’s virtue to a duel, let him shoot first, took a bullet in the chest that knocked him down, put his hand over the wound to staunch the bleeding, stood up and shot the other man between the eyes. Acquit yourself like a man—like professional basketball player, Greg Ostertag who is imperiling his lucrative career to give up a kidney for the transplant his sister desperately needs. Tony, girls are so precious in God’s eyes that a man with God’s heart knows he exists to sacrifice for them.

Tony, if your heart is modeled after the Father’s, then you will welcome the foreigner. Ruth is from Moab and questions how Boaz could call her his “daughter.” (Ruth 2:8) “She fell on her face, bowing to the ground and said to him, “Why have I found favor in your sight that you should take notice of me, since I am a foreigner?” (Ruth 2:10) He has heard of her conversion. He is impressed with her faith, like Abraham, she left her idol worshipping family for a land and a future unknown to her. Boaz knows that God does not forbid the Israelites to marry foreign women—but forbids them to hook up with pagan women. This is still God’s plan today. Tony, marry in the faith. Marry a woman who loves Jesus and has been loved by Him. I don’t care if she is black, Hispanic, Asian, turquoise or orange—she will be welcome in our house.

I don’t have to tell you our churches and culture are patently xenophobic. One of the weakest aspects of Citrus County life is our lack of exposure to people unlike us. When I hear people remark on how thrilled I must be to have gotten out of Miami, what with all the Cubans down there, I delight to tell them that the Cubans are the best Americans that I’ve ever met. Tony, your generation is the most passionate about America being multi-ethnic and intolerant of racism. You’ve had the chance to go to Japan, the Philippines, the Dominican Republic and Jamaica—you’ve seen how colorful and diverse heaven will be. North America is being flooded with immigrants—many Christians will respond to this with a surly nativistic protectionism, “This is our country and we aren’t sharing it.” Our forefathers came here from Europe though to create a land from which they could spread the gospel to the whole earth. f God brings the whole earth to America, let’s welcome them here and thank God for the chance to introduce them to His Son.

Tony, your Father’s heart is lavish and you have tasted of it. As your heart is molded in the image of His, you will share liberally with others. At mealtime Boaz shares his food with Ruth in such abundance she not only eats to satisfaction, but brings home leftovers for Naomi. Boaz instructs his reapers to purposefully drop grain in her path so that she will be phenomenally productive. When Ruth returns home, Naomi can’t believe how much she has gathered—until she learns that Ruth had stumbled into a field of Boaz their kinsman. Boaz’ generosity is extraordinary.

Tony, I remember once I took your brother to swim practice. He brought five pieces of gum with instructions to share with others. By the time practice was over, he had consumed four of them. I said, “I want you to give a piece to that little girl.” He looked at me with incredulity and said, “No way, Dad. Give away the last piece?” It was unthinkable to him. That’s the way children are, but not men. I read this week of a 3,000-member church in Virginia where they have a 2-year plan to pay off every member’s credit card. They are radically sharing. They know that to whom much is given, much is required. Tony, one of your most outstanding qualities is your generosity. You love to give. It’s so manly! Son, you know I love that you are purposed to learn to be as generous with your heart as with your money. To give your heart away with wild abandon, too. I’m so proud of you—let’s learn this one together!

Last of all, the man who is being fashioned after God’s heart embraces the calling of the Redeemer. As you know, Boaz was not just a nice guy to a couple of needy women. He was Ruth’s kinsman–redeemer. As the nearest male blood relative, he was responsible to marry the widow of his deceased family member. This redemption was understood to be costly, sacrificial and involved paying the price. It appears Boaz was a distant enough relative that he was under no legal obligation—but he came to Ruth’s rescue because his heart had itself experienced redemption. A new family was begun by the sacrificial action of the kinsman–redeemer—it was the family of Jesus who later would create a new family by his redemptive sacrifice. All this to say, Tony—here is the calling of your life. As John Eldridge wrote, “A man needs to feel the rhythms of the earth; he needs to have in hand something real—the tiller of a boat, a set of reins, the roughness of rope, or simply a shovel. Can a man live all his days to keep his fingernails clean and trim? Is that what a boy dreams of?” So what better thing to get your fingernails dirty with than laying down your life for Jesus. Masculinity is those distinctly male characteristic, which delights in the sacrificing of our strength for God’s glory and for others’ good. I loved when you called me after watching “We Were Soldiers Once”— loved the depiction of Hal Moore. The commander who was the first man on the battlefield and the last one off. The leader who stood in the fire unmoved for his men. Son, I love to see you rising to the calling to be strong, sacrificial and courageous. I think of Maximus in the movie Gladiator, when after his remarkable display of courage in the coliseum, the foul Commodus, strangled own Father, murdered Maximus’ wife and son, comes to the arena floor to meet the valiant gladiator whose identity is hidden behind his helmet. You remember the scene:

Commodus	Your fame is well deserved, Spaniard. I don’t believe there’s ever been a gladiator that matched you….Why doesn’t the hero reveal himself and tell us all your real name
Maximus	My name is Gladiator. (He turns and walks away.)
Commodus	How dare you show your back to me! Slave! You will remove your helmet and tell me your name.
Maximus	(Slowly, very slowly lifts his helmet and turns to face his enemy) My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius; Commander of the Armies of the North; General of the Felix Legions; loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius; father to a murdered son; husband to a murdered wife; and I will have my vengeance, in this life or in the next.

Why was Maximus so valiant, so resolute? He knew who he was and what his purpose was. So do you precious son—you are the unmerited recipient of redemption. Now you are to go and redeem others with all your strength. Your mom and I love the way you wear the mantle of older brother. You so bless your sisters and little brother with your love and your counsel. We never dreamed our kids would love each other like you guys do. Tony, you get the lion’s share of credit for that—you are lifting your siblings on your shoulders like your older brother Jesus has lifted you.

Tony, it’s been said in another great movie, Braveheart, “all men die, but few men ever really live.” I so rejoice on your 20th birthday that this isn’t true of you. By God’s grace you are sucking the marrow out of most everyday. By God’s grace you are acquitting yourself as a man. I praise Him for you; I love being your Dad; I look forward to years of friendship with you, and should death ever tragically interrupt our relationship—know until we meet again and we will meet again, that your Mom and I consider you, your sisters and your brother to be the reason we were created and the highest calling we were given and the absolute delight of our lives.