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Dating Suggestions and Guidelines #1

Welcome to the Seven Rivers Dad's email network! Last week, a friend asked me when my oldest daughter was graduating from high school. The question shocked me and I realized in a blink of an eye she is not only going to be graduating, but also asking me for the car keys, dating, and looking at colleges. You know the old adage, they grow up so quick, but we always think we will be able to freeze time for our kid. When my oldest was in fifth grade her mother started talking to her about boys. Ugh! It is hard for me to even write this. I don’t mind if boys like her, I do mind if she starts liking them back. Like most parents we began asking what others have done in regards to dating, and what guidelines they suggested.

So, for the next several weeks, I am going to give you some of the input I have gathered from other parents. You may like some of it, disagree or have another plan, but at least it will get you thinking about guiding your child through the rough waters of dating. If your kids are still young it is good information to stow away. It won’t gather dust, because they really do grow up faster than you think. Enjoy.

Following are answers to questions asked of parents who currently have children of dating ages:

Thoughts from parents of two children

1. What dating guidelines do/did you have for your son or daughter? With our oldest daughter, we basically said she could date starting in the 11th grade. Things went very well, but looking back, I feel we were too lenient. I know that others would say we were strict, but I would change things with our younger daughter. We mostly started with our daughter and the young man (there were only 2) seeing each other at our home. Then we allowed some dinners out or going to see a movie. With another guy, we allowed our oldest daughter to go to his home for dinner, but knew that his parents and us (we talked to them) were on the same page as we were. That helped a lot. However, even with all of that said, there was some small problems and I feel that in the high school years, it is better for the couple to see each other in the girl's home.

2. How do/did you show your children you trust them, but that you were also protecting them? First of all, I made sure that our daughter knew that we believed in her commitment to purity. It wasn't her that we didn't trust, or felt a lack of character in, it was her body and that of the boy's. Our bodies were designed to respond in a certain way to the opposite sex. That is the way God made us and it is good. However, letting yourself get into situations where these responses occur and you are not prepared for it, or are not in the marriage relationship, can be dangerous. It is powerful. It is best to avoid situations where you will find yourself tempted. So our restrictions were based on the fact that this is how we are created and we need to be very careful because our sex drive is a powerful thing. Our daughter actually wrote me a two- page letter one time thanking us for being there to help her and her boyfriend navigate this new world. It was a keeper. I believe our strict guidelines showed our oldest daughter that we loved her and wanted to be there for her and help her keep her commitment to sexual purity until marriage.

3. What kind of conversations do/did you have with your children say starting in the 5th grade? Other than asking at various times questions like, "Do you have any questions?" "Do you ever hear your friends talking about things that you want to ask us about?" We did not talk about sex until our daughters turned 15. At that age, we discussed sexual purity, dating, sex, and gave them their promise rings. We prayed for their commitment to the Lord and to purity, and for their future husband, his faith, and for his purity. I do not regret waiting at all. Neither of the girls ever seemed the least bit interested before then and we gave them plenty of opportunities to talk about it.

4. Do/ did you ever pray with your children about the person they would marry? YES

5. Any advice, ideas, etc. you have found to be very helpful when dealing with dating with your children? First, decide who you are as a family. What does it mean to be a Christian family? What are we going to look like? What are we not going to look like and those questions touch all aspects of our lives. Discuss this with your children often. We have had to discuss this in many areas: make-up, clothing, swimsuits, etc. Dating was included. Make sure your children know who they are. They belong to God and their lives should look different than those of non-believers their age. We are called to be peculiar when compared to the world. Yes, this will place you on the outside sometimes, but that may be a good place to be. It can be difficult to do what is right, holy, and pure, but it is what we are called to. Don't do or not do because "I told you so." Do or not do, because you belong to God. You are His daughter. His instructions are very clear in His word and this is how we choose to live. Our dating guidelines are tight because we know the temptations will be very difficult to face and they need our help. We love them enough to say no.

Also, I definitely talked to them about the mistakes that we made. How wonderful would it have been to go to the altar to meet my husband and be able to say I am yours and yours alone. What a wonderful way to say I love you by giving all of yourself to your husband alone. It is out there. A beautiful goal, a beautiful gift. I have told both of my daughters that they are beautiful and very special. They should expect to be treated with absolute respect and dignity by everyone, including a boy. Anything less should be tossed aside like garbage. They are a precious jewel and will be treated, as they demand to be treated. Young men who appreciate how special they are will show it by respecting them and their commitment to purity. They should never accept anything less.