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Dating Suggestions and Guidelines #4.

Following are answers to questions asked of parents who currently have children of dating ages:

Thoughts from parents of three children

1. What dating guidelines do/did you have for your son or daughter? Our boys were 16 before they were allowed to ride alone in a car or go somewhere alone with a girl. However, neither of my sons did this until they were 17. Sixteen was and is (for our daughter) not the “magic” number. Just because they turned 16 (or will turn 16), didn’t mean that they were ready or mature enough to go and do whatever. There needs to be a progression with dating. You don’t just go from nothing to being alone with someone. Time should be spent with groups of friends and with family before anytime is spent alone. We would decide depending on the event whether or not it was something that they would be allowed to do. We believe that relationships with the opposite gender are “school” for marriage. You are learning how to treat someone with respect, to be honest with him or her, and about boundaries. We had many talks with the boys about their responsibility to take care of and protect the young lady they were with. We wanted them to understand that they were ultimately responsible for whatever happened while they were with the young lady. We also talked with them about how a man is to be the pursuer in a relationship. Because of this idea, we did not allow girls to phone them. I know this may seem a little odd in the times we live in now, but it is something we are teaching our daughter as well. Obviously, there are exceptions, but for the most part this should be the roll of the male.

2. How do/did you show your children you trust them, but that you were also protecting them? We showed the boys we trusted them by allowing them to do things, but we also required that they always be accountable for where they were at all times. Both boys had cell phones and had to call when they got to where they were going and again when they left to come home. This was a practice we had all through high school. We did this for a couple of reasons; if they didn’t arrive at their destination in the amount of time allotted we knew that something had happened and they may be in danger. Also, it was a safe guard for temptation. If you don’t have unaccounted time, you won’t be tempted as to what to do with it. We didn’t allow the boys to be in a home alone with a girl, either ours or anyone else’s. We explained to them that it wasn’t because we didn’t trust them, but because we as sinners can’t trust ourselves. You don’t want to put yourselves in situations that present temptation that you may not be able to resist.

3. What kind of conversations do/did you have with your children say starting in the 5th grade? My husband talked with the boys initially about sex in the physical sense and in the marital sense. The conversations on sex need to be a dialog that is ongoing, as they grow and new opportunities arise in their lives. It isn’t a one-time thing. With our daughter we have been blessed to have her older brothers who are more in-tune with the times and have given me great advice about my talks with her. This has been so helpful. My younger son in particular has shared things with me that he felt were extremely important for a young Christian girl in our day and time to be aware of. My daughter and I have had many talks and will continue to do so.

4. Do/ did you ever pray with your children about the person they would marry? I did and do pray about who will be the spouse of my children and prayed this with the boys and my daughter.

5. Any advice, ideas, etc. you have found to be very helpful when dealing with dating with your children? Talk, talk, and talk to your kids. Wait up for them when they are out so that you can talk to them when they come home. Ask them questions and more questions. Not as if you are interrogating them, but as you are interested and want to share in their life and their fun. This will be easier to do with some than others, but still do it! Talk with your children about your expectations for them and their boundaries in advance! Don’t wait till they mess up to tell them what they should or shouldn’t have done. Don’t assume they know because they don’t! They haven’t done this dating thing before, how would they know. Set consequences for not staying within the boundaries and then stand by the consequence. Be consistent! Use your own life experiences to help with your parenting of your own children. I know what I wish my parents had done with me and what I wish they hadn’t.